Русские анекдоты на английском

Pooh and Piglet are on the way to get some honey carrying the balloon and the gun. Here's the plan: Winnie flies to the bees' hollow on the balloon and takes some honey, then Piglet shoots the balloon and Winnie comes back to the earth. Suddenly Winnie stumbles over a tree root and accidentally shoots Piglet right in the mouth. Teeth are out and cheeks are torn.
- What are you laughing at, stupid pig? I'm almost deaf now!

The next one isn't really mine. I saw the translation long time ago. I was really amused and the punch line carved into my mind. I couldn't find the original translation so this is my reconstruction of it.

There are Winnie the Pooh and Piglet in the boat. Winnie is rowing and Piglet is sleeping.
Winnie is tired.
Piglet is sleeping.
Winnie becomes angry.
Piglet is sleeping.
Finally, Winnie can't stand slapping Piglet with the oar.
- Uh! Ah! What? - torn out of his dreams Piglet is disoriented.
- What's the matter, pig? Can't sleep? Do some rowing then!

After some discussion we've figured out that the best punch line for worm joke would be "He's gone fishing"
Thanks to markusn

Small worm asks his mother:
- Mom, where is dad?
- He's fishing with the guys.

There is lieutenant Rzhevsky writing something. Colonel comes in.
- What are you writing?
- Anthem of our regiment.
- Let me see.. Hey, it is all bad langugage!
- No, not all. Look, there is a word 'banner' in the second line.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova walking in the garden near the lake.
- Lieutenant, would you like to become a swan.
- Naked ass to cold water? No, thank you!

Once lieutenant Rzhevsky came to a party with a friend. There were some people doing strange things.
- Fifteen - said one man. Everybody laughed.
- And forty seven, do you remember forty seven? - said another. Everybody laughed even more.
- What are they doing? - asked lieutenant his friend.
- They are telling jokes. But they know each other for long time and remember all jokes so they numbered them to save time.
- Wow, that must be funny.. Seventy four! Silence, then one woman stands up and slaps lieutenant.
- You know, we don't tell such jokes to ladies - says his friend confusedly.

The teacher asks the boy:
- Let's imagine that you've got $200. Then you give $50 to Svetlana, $50 to Olga and $50 to Natasha. What do you have now?
- Well.. an orgy?

Mother brings her small son to the kindergarten for first time. The child is very upset. They meet the principal and the teacher. The teacher shows them in and tells the child, "This is your locker". Then the kid with his eyes full of tears climbs in the locker, says goodbye to his mom and closes the door from inside.

There is a man in his house. Someone knocking in the door and he opens. There are parrot, giraffe and hamster standing at the door. Hamster steps forward and says - Police department. We have an information that you take drugs.

Great. This project has started to reward me. After some discussion I've discovered that joke about birch sap should be transformed into a joke about maple syrup. Just an extra bit of knowlege.

There is an alligator sitting near the river and smoking joint.
A beaver swims to him.
- What are you smoking?
- It's a funny thing, wanna try? Take a deep inhalation and hold your breath for some time.
The beaver takes an inhalation, dives and swims underwater to the other bank. There grass takes an effect and he starts to smile and giggle. A hippopotamus looks at him and asks what's so funny. Ask the alligator for an inhallation, then you'll see what's so funny, answers the beaver. The hippopotamus dives and swims to the alligator's bank. When he emerges from the water, the alligator looks at him and shouts in terror - Breathe out, beaver, breathe out!

The wolf and Little Red Riding Hood.
- Gotcha, silly girl!
- Why do you call me silly? I'm not silly, I'm Little Red Riding Hood. Look, I have red hood, red blouse, red skirt, red socks, red shoes.. Damn, I really look stupid.

It is spring. The man comes through sunny green field smiling to green grass and shiny sun. He comes to the birch grove and sees the little girl who is hanging on the birch biting birch branch.
- What are you doing, girl?
- D-d-drinking j-juice.

Beautiful morning. Glade full of flowers. Sun is rising. Birds are singing. Lieutenant Rzhevsky comes out of the white tent, his underwear is snowwhite. He looks around, raises his hands and shouts.
- God, how could I live before and didn't notice such a beauty!
- Fuck, fuck, fuck - answered accustomed echo.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky at party talked to Natasha Rostova but suddenly asked to excuse him and went out. When he was back he was all wet.
- It is raining outdoors?
- No, it is windy.

Lieutenant Rzhevsky with young countess walking around the park.
- Lieutenant, do you like children?
- Not really. But process..

- Do you know why programmers put two glasses to the bed-side table when they go to sleep?
- Why?
- Glass of water in case they will become thirsty and empty one in case they won't.

Sergey